i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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