Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
