Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
