im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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