did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
