then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
