what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
