You're my little dorito
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He did a backflip because drugs
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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