I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
