If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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