Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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