phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
