The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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