i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
