I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
