I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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