Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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