i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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