Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
