There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
