she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
