Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
