In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
