remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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