and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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