Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm having to shit out rocks
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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