Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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