I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
