Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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