I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ketchup is God's man juice
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
