You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
