I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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