we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
