I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
