You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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