the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
