I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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