my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
false alarm. still invincible.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize