did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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