You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
