broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
