she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
