you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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