There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The air taste purple.
Randomize
