Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
