so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
