New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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