you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
