Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
