I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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