So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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