I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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