I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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