this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
