while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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