While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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