So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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