every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
did i just pee glitter
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
