hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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