So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need water and some morals
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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