I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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