Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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