he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What drink are we having for lunch?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
