So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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