i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
