i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
