tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Green mimosas i think yes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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