Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
