You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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