Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
