I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
