bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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