Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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