He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
