I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
